


Weltschmerz

by NormieScum



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Beyond:Two Souls, Eventual Smut, Fic based on video game, Heavy Angst, Idk how angsty this is going to get so I may be adding tags as we go, M/M, Some Fluff, Suicide Trigger, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trigger Warnings, Trigger warning death, Violence Trigger warning, abuse trigger warning, erejean - Freeform, jeaneren - Freeform, self harm trigger warning, the concept is not mine, trans!eren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-08-08 00:02:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7735045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NormieScum/pseuds/NormieScum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fic based on Beyond: Two Souls. Eren is a confused man struggling to come to terms with the entity that has followed him since birth, Mikasa. The CIA takes him in at a young age to run tests on him and discover whether he has any military applications. Slow burn JeanEren relationship featuring Trans man Eren.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Epilogue

**Author's Note:**

> So this is something I've wanted to write for awhile. I've played the game a million times and it is by far my favorite so this will be based on that game. It will not follow very close to the story at all and it'll be much different. I'm not sure how successful this will be but I want to update 1-2 times a week so I'll keep the chapters fairly short. Eren is a pre-transition trans male and the fic will feature a slow burn relationship (hopefully, I'm not very good at those) between Eren and Jean. Please let me know whether you like it! I hope y'all enjoy and thanks for the support. Just a warning that this fic will jump around a lot and be all over the place much like the game. Please let me know if you have any questions!

“How long have you two been together?”

No answer.

“Eren, I need your full cooperation.” The man states, the bright fluorescent light distracts Eren from logical thought for a moment until he squints enough to make out the short, thin shape of a man. “How long has Mikasa been with you?” His chapped lips purse as he thinks over the question. It’s ridiculous, he’s told them countless times about the entity attached to his body.

“My entire life.” His voice his hoarse and dry from how cold it is inside and outside. Clinging to the fur lined jacket he is wearing, Eren lets out a desperate whimper. “This seems repetitive…can I go home. I just want to go home.”  
“You have no home now.” He can’t say that he’s surprised. The CIA had a way of chewing people up and then spitting them out when they were no longer useful.

“…W-what?” He acts surprised, knowing that sometimes Levi can display genuine concern for him. “Levi, please don’t send me off!” The wails that leave his throat upset Mikasa. This entity that he knows so much about now used to be the bane of his existence. She was a “gift”. His therapist had explained. But slowly, his “gift” had turned into a military weapon that he was forced to use in circumstances he never would’ve imagined. She’d protected him in so many situations where he should’ve died. Even now, he thought she was the one keeping him alive.

“The CIA is terrified of what you can do, Eren. At this point keeping you alive is too dangerous.” The short man with dark hair pulls the needle from its case. The syringe is filled with a clear liquid and the small male immediately starts to cry out of fear.  
“What are you going to do to me?!” Tears stream down his bruised cheeks, carrying dirt and blood with them. He clenches his hands around the arms of the chair, preparing to bolt at any second but when he sees a large male move to guard the door he realizes it’s pointless. 

He can’t escape alone.

“It’ll just be a pinch, I promise it’ll be over quick and you won’t feel a thing.” A pinch and then nothing sounded appealing to the shaggy, underweight brunet. He was so tired of running, but something in him wasn’t done fighting. Instead of giving in like his body wanted, Eren jumped up. The chair fell and clattered against the ground. Instead of making a run for the door, he took steps back towards the window. “We’re on the top floor, don’t be ridiculous!”

“Mikasa! Help me!” Stumbling backwards, he fumbled with the window only to find that it was locked. Reaching for a bookend off of the nearest shelf, Eren smashed the glass. Turning to look over his shoulder when he heard the commotion, he saw the two men laying on the floor unconscious. After so long of being around the violence, he tried not to watch Mikasa take people down. They weren’t dead but they wouldn’t be waking up anytime soon. Shards of glass cut into the palms of his hand and felt like small needle pricks compared to the ache of having Mikasa use her force. Whispering this time, he clutched the key that hung around his neck to his chest.

“Mikasa, I need you to protect me!” With that, he let himself spiral into the free fall out of the building. He could feel the wind rushing around him and the life leaving his body, he was just barely hanging on until he felt her warm, indiscernible arms wrap around his body to protect him from the fall. She was also so warm, for an apparition. The comfort she brought almost put him to sleep until he felt his body delicately land against the cold pavement. He shivered instantly when her warmth was gone, the feeling must have resembled peaceful death. He wanted it so bad. He was in a world he couldn’t fix, as much as he wanted to be free he never would. 

Staggering in the direction of a payphone, he holds his weight up just barely against the cold metal box.  
Shoving a couple quarters into the slot he thinks over who he’s going to call for a few seconds before entering in a familiar number. He holds one of his arms across his chest as he waits for a response, cursing the way it feels without his binder.

Then he hears his voice. Smooth like honey and warm like a campfire on a cold night. The man’s voice brings him warmth, he’s clutching the key to his chest again and a series of desperate sobs leave his lips before his voice cracks and he lets out a desperate whine.

“Eren!? Eren is that you!” Jean is in a panic, searching for his car keys as if the male is going to give him a chance to come find him. To save him.

“Jean…” He chokes on his words, coughing until he sees a muddle of blood in the palm of his hand. His fingers are turning blue under the nail and it’s all he can do to keep from fainting. “I love you. I love you so much.” The croak in his voice brings him pain but he needs to tell him. This may be the last chance he has to tell the man he loves how he feels.

“I love you too, oh god. Where are you? Please tell me. I’ll come get you, we can leave town. Please Eren…please. I can’t lose you.” There’s so much he wants to say. He wants to tell him that it’ll be okay. Maybe it’ll hurt at first but someday he’ll be able to move on and start a family and do all of the things that Eren couldn’t give him. He wants to tell him how much he really wanted to marry him. That he probably would’ve worn a dress on their wedding day. He wanted to tell him that their honeymoon should be in Hawaii so they can make love on the beach of an island. But he doesn’t say another word. He lets the phone drop so that it dangles in the air by his cord. Even with the receiver away from his ear, he can hear Jean’s screams and sobs. It breaks his heart to do this to him but he has to protect him.

 

“Never forget me…” He mutters, stepping closer to the road. There’s a van coming and he knows for a fact that the person won’t be able to stop in time to spare his life. He looks between the dangling phone and the oncoming vehicle before he sees the light. It calls for him to come closer so he does. The brightness welcomes him with a certain warmth and he lets go.


	2. Villains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Eren are on a mission overseas for the CIA that leaves both of them feeling less than good about themselves. They are both about 22-24 in this chapter. (Hanji is nonbinary)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another quick update! I'm kinda winging it with this but it's been a lot of fun so far :)

“Why do people always assume it’s easier to be the bad guy?” He wails, catching his weight against the brick wall by the palm of his hand. Jean is on him in an instant, rubbing over the muscle between his shoulder blades. Eren yanks himself away and lets out a frantic yell. “Don’t touch me!” 

“Eren, we did what we had to do!” Jean pleads, swallowing down the hard lump in his throat. Working for the CIA, it’s not exactly like they had a lot of options when it came to their job. They were owned by the government and did what they were told. “It was our /job/. We don’t have time for this philosophical shit right now.”

“I don’t care! We hurt innocent people! Jean! Why?!” Falling to the ground the male wrapped his arms around his stomach and tried to stop the anxious pain in his gut but failed. Leaning over, he threw up the contents of his stomach into the dirt before sobbing again. Wincing away from the sight, Eren’s partner let out an exhausted sigh and propped his rifle against the jeep. Grabbing a bottle of water out of his pack, Jean tossed it to him and untied the bandana from around his neck to hand to the brunet. Eren’s sobs broke Jean down and he couldn’t even look at him.

“Pull yourself together, we have to go now or we won’t make it to the extraction zone and the bird will leave without us.” Propping a cigarette between his lips, he watched as his partner sipped at his water. With a long pause, Eren shook his head.  
“I’m not coming back with you.” Jean gasps in shock before he scrunches his nose in annoyance. Eren had always been the more hopeful of the two, Jean simply followed logic and orders. Whatever got him home to safety the quickest.  
“No! Are you fucking crazy?! If they find out you were responsible for that they’d torture you and kill you, Eren. Especially if they find out /what/ you are.” 

“Are you talking about the fact that I’m ‘gifted’ or confused. Because I could take that either way.” There’s a hint of anger in his voice now. Eren has always been touchy about being different; whether it be about his gender or Mikasa. 

“Both. This isn’t exactly the most…tolerant place in the world.” Sighing, he finally gives up on the idea of taking Eren passively. Leaning down to scoop him up off the ground, he winces in pain when the other kicks and screams. If he’s learned anything about being partners with Eren it’s that he can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to. Because of Mikasa, the entity isn’t tolerant of people being rough with him. But maybe this will be different since she wouldn’t let him kill himself either. 

“No! Stop!” 

“Eren, this is fucking ridiculous! Handle your conscious when we’re home!” Throwing open the door to their vehicle, Jean shoves him in and quickly tosses the rifle in the back. To his surprise, his partner is much calmer now. When he gets into the driver’s seat, he starts the engine and quickly works through the gears until they’re going a steady pace down the dirt road. Neither of them talk for the first couple minutes; Jean’s eyes are fixed on the road and Eren is staring at his hands.  
“Why would you lie to me?” 

Jean is silent for a handful of moments, thinking over a proper answer. Of course he lied, he knew Eren wouldn’t go through with the mission if he hadn’t. 

“I…” He starts, unable to finish. Finally, he sighs in defeat and reaches across the console to rest his hand on top of Eren’s. “I’m so sorry.” 

Shoving his hand away, Eren is quickly enveloped in a fit of tears. “You told me they were terrorists. You told me they were going to kill people. Jean, they were like /me/! They probably didn’t understand what was happening! Oh god…one of them was a child-” As if he was going to throw up again, Eren leaned his head out of the vehicle. Gently shoving Jean’s hand away in the process. “When we get back, I’m done. We’re done. I can’t be with someone that thinks this is okay.” As much as he wants to plead with him not to do this, he can’t. Their secret relationship had been a whirlwind of emotions for the both of them and maybe it was just too much right now. Retracting his hand and resting it on the gear shift, he drove in silence until they were to the chopper. Being lifted into the air and hoisted back to safety, Eren realized that he was lucky for this. That the military used him as their own pawn and didn’t send in a team to kill him in cold blood. He sat in the back, hugging his knees to his chest. The sniffling cries escaped past his wind burnt lips and within seconds he felt a familiar warmth being wrapped around him. Wiping at his eyes, he cracked a small smile and looked upward. With a hushed voice he whispered a thank you and clutched his hand around the key around his neck. 

-  
“Why do they always assume being a bad guy is easy?” He asks, playing with the hem of his flannel as he watches as the doctor scribbles notes onto the notebook in his lap.

“That’s a big question. Care to elaborate?” Silence.

“It’s difficult to suffer. This being a common fact, makes hurting someone seem like the opposite.” Clearing their throat, they adjust the glasses on the bridge of their nose. “But in reality, hurting someone is equally as painful as being hurt. If not worse, despite what people think you’ll bare the guilt for the rest of your life. Is there a certain time in your life you’re referencing?” 

“My last mission.” 

“Ah. We’ve talked about this, Eren. You can’t leave the CIA. You know I care for you, I’d do anything for you. I care only for your safety and that’s the only reason I’m saying this.” Hanji sighs in worry and rests their hand over Eren’s. 

“I know.” He scratches his arm nervously and glances up at them. “I hurt Jean too.” 

“Kirschtein? How?” Pausing, he shakes his head.

“I can’t talk about it. But I didn’t want to.” 

“He seems to be doing fine. What with the new girlfriend and all, he hasn’t been quite as mopey as he’d been the last few weeks.” Eren gasps, immediately realizing that maybe Jean meant more to him than he meant to Jean. Biting his lip, he nods awkwardly and looks away. 

“I think I’m done talking for today.” 

-

His head is swimming with panic and he stumbles into the nearest restroom to splash cold water over his face. He hadn’t seen Jean practically since the mission, too angry to even look at him. Now he’s only filled with regret for letting things get so out of hand. He didn’t want to give up completely. 

As if by some stretch of a miracle, Jean was walking down the hallway towards his office when Eren came out of the bathroom. When they made eye contact, he contemplated running away but instead walked towards him. Jean stopped and waited for him to get close enough and when Eren did, he pulled the large male towards the office and shut the door.

“Eren..?” 

“New girlfriend?” The blond was silent for several seconds before opening his mouth to speak, Eren knew this was a nervous habit of his. 

“I’ve gone out with his a few times, yes. But girlfriend is a bit of a stretch.” 

“Did you sleep with her?!” Tears streaming down his cheeks, Eren’s lips quivered and his hands shook.

“What-…no! Not that it’s any of your business. But no.” The hint of coldness to his ex’s voice made the brunet freeze up. 

“Why are you being so cold to me?!” 

“Because, you broke up with me. You can’t do this now.” 

“Why did you move on so quickly? I thought that we were more than something that could be replaced in a few weeks.” 

“I’m gonna be completely honest with you,” He looks off to the side, unable to make eye contact. “I loved you and you made me feel like a monster. What we did over there-…was wrong. I know it was. But it was down to our lives /or/ theirs.” Shrugging, his arms crossed across his chest. “And when it comes down to protecting you or some random people, I’d choose you every time.” Tearing up for the first time, Jean turned away from the other and rested the palms of his hands onto his desk to lean over. The gun holsters over his shoulders slacking so that the guns fell under his arms. 

“Jean…” 

“You should just go.” 

‘I loved you and you made me feel like a monster.’


	3. Monsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is 16 in the beginning of this, the first portion is based on the "Like Other Girls" chapter & the alternative path where Jodie does not make it out of the facility. The second portion, he is 12 and has his first encounter with the dark entities. The last part is based on "First Night", where Eren meets scientist Hanji & their assistant Moblit. Also, there is some gender confusion in the last half since Eren is younger and isn't out. The next chapter, I'll resolve this confusion with his coming out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated this in so long, wow. I'm really sorry for the delay and I really would like to finish this fic so I'm prioritizing it. Thanks for the support and i'm sorry if the jumping around gets confusing. I wanted it to be set up like the game.

“You’re still a child, Eren.”

“I’m not a child! I’m 16. You can’t keep me locked up in here on a Friday night!” He pleads, tugging at the fringe of his poorly died black hair. It’s outgrown and has blue highlights randomly scattered throughout his bangs. Hanji groans in annoyance, rarely ever do they get frustrated with Eren but this phase he’s in has left him more disobedient than usual.

“You’re not like the other kids your age, you need to stay in here where we can keep an eye on you.” With that, they don’t bother arguing anymore. They lock the door behind them and give their regards to Moblit on the way out. He’s Hanji’s assistant and his job is strictly to monitor and care for Eren. He has a habit of playing the “good cop” to Hanji’s “bad cop”, somewhat spoiling Eren.

So when he sees the young male look up at the camera with a pleading look on his face, Moblit sighs in frustration. Clicking the button down on the monitor, he holds it so Eren can hear him over the intercom.

“Not tonight kiddo, I’ve got strict orders to keep you inside.” Eren groans and kicks over a lamp, his green eyes welling with tears. He has a habit of getting overemotional when he’s mad and tonight is no exception.

“It’s not fair!” He shouts, throwing himself down on the couch. Silence for a few seconds before he’s kicking his feet violently. Moblit shuts his eyes for a second, preparing for the long night ahead. When he opens them, Eren has moved from the couch and is barricading himself in the bathroom. The one area that he can’t monitor.

“Eren..?”

No answer.

“Help me out, Mikasa.” He pleads, looking upwards for her. He isn’t sure how he can even tell where she’s at but…he just knows. Inaudible gurgling, but to him he can tell she’s telling him no.

“/Please/! I’m sick of being locked up like a lab rat, I need out of here! I’m going crazy. Please!” The sobbing, whether he knows it or not, is what gets her to agree. She stays silent so he assumes that he’s one, as he usually does.

“Just take control of him long enough for me to get out of the building! Please? You’re the best!”

Moblit, on the other side of the wall, falls unconscious. His eyes roll to a clouded shade of white and his body goes limp while Mikasa takes over. She guides him slowly to his feet, he stumbles towards the door and unlocks it. Eren is sliding into his combat boots and grabbing the coat off the hook. When he’s greeted with an open door, he grins.

“Okay now just get me past security.” He commands, trotting carefully towards the building’s elevator to avoid others. Mikasa, still in control of Moblit, follows slowly behind him. Once they’re to the main lobby, Eren notices the security guard is half asleep slouched over a newspaper. But the quiet alarm goes off to alert him awake.

“Eren? What are you doing ou-” he starts before seeing Moblit. “Oh hey there, can I see your security card?” Shit. Eren hadn’t thought this far in advance. So he coughs and gags.

“No time! We’re just going outside to catch some air! Can’t you let it slip just once? I don’t feel so good…” He puts on his best act and Mike is ready to believe it but he continues to move closer to them. Which causes Eren to panic, if someone touches Moblit while Mikasa is controlling him he’ll snap out of the possession.

“Berner, you don’t look so good either buddy… you alright?” Mike reaches out to touch the man’s arm but Eren lets out a “pained” shriek which catches his attention. Mike moves to open the door and Mikasa catches up with Eren. Once they’re outside, Eren lets out a pleased exhale.

“Do you have keys? His car is over there!” He waits by the old sedan while Mikasa reveals the keys and unlocks the door. Once they slide into the seats, Eren gives her directions out of the building even though she already knows. He’s always been bossy and everyone that spends time with him is used to it.

“You’re seriously the best dude I can’t believe we actually pulled it off!” But before he can celebrate, he remembers the gate that is always guarded. Slinking onto the floor, Eren covers himself with his jacket to hide.

“Shit, just show him your badge so we can leave!” He stays still and waits for whatever happens next. They’d gotten this far so this couldn’t stop them either.

Auruo approaches the driver’s side and leans down, an eyebrow raising when he notices Moblit’s eyes. “Jesus…hey are you alright?!” He grips his arm and it’s all over. Eren can hear the transfer of Mikasa leaving Moblit’s body and swallows hard.

Moblit blinks and looks around, unsure of what happened until he notices the heap on the floor of his passenger seat. “Eren, I’m really disappointed.” Frowning he throws the car in reverse and returns to the facility, ignoring Eren’s complaining completely.

-

“There’s something wrong with that girl.” Eren listens as they talk about him, the lump in his throat nearly choking him every time he hears his “parents” talk about him this way. His adopted mother is a little better, but not by much. He knows she tries but it must not be easy for her. Putting up with a confused twelve-year-old.

“She’s just lost! Don’t be so cruel.” He hugs the stuffed bunny closer to his chest, burying his face in its soft fur. The flashlight is gripped in his hands and he ignores the storm raging outside. He knows the light helps keep away the monsters but he doesn’t quite understand why. Well…most of the monsters. There’s one that sleeps with him and sometimes he wonders if he’s a monster too. The shouting gets worse and he starts to cry. Hot tears rolling down his cheeks as he climbs under the blankets and sobs into his pillow. This makes the spirit angry, he can hear his toys being tossed around.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up! This is why they hate me!” He can feel the presence leaving him, it always hurts when it’s gone even if it hasn’t gone far. At this young age, he doesn’t understand what’s happening to him.         

Mikasa listens in on the conversation, unsure of what’s happening to her other half.

“We just need to take her back. We agreed to watch a little girl, not a monster.” Eren’s adopted mother shakes her head in disagreement but doesn’t say anything. A plate flies off the table and smashes against the wall, both adults flinch backwards and look at each other in shock before Eren’s screaming distracts them.

The monsters returned, pulling him out of his bed and onto the floor. He can feel the scratching against his skin and it burns. He doesn’t really know what’s happening to him but a name always appears in his name whenever this happens. As if someone is there to save him, he just doesn’t understand who.

“Mikasa!” He shouts, curling into himself and sniveling. Within seconds the monsters are gone and his adopted mother is cradling him in her arms.

“You’re going to be okay!” She whispers, brushing her hand through his soft brown hair. His eyes are squeezed shut and his entire body quivers.

“Why did you tell me monsters weren’t real?” He asks, terrifyingly calm now. “You lied to me, you’re a liar!”

-

After the outburst, his adopted parents are no longer willing to put up with his “condition” and he’s taken to Dr. Hanji Zoe, an expert on paranormal sciences. Eren has spent most of his life terrified of what the “gift” has brought him, nothing but calamity and fear. He isn’t even surprised when his adopted father turns him over and says nothing and when they’re gone, he realizes he doesn’t even miss them.

Hanji sinks down to the floor in front of him and offers him a soft smile.

“Ellen, is it? I’ve heard some fascinating things about you. Do you remember when we’d met years ago?” He vaguely remembers meeting the doctor. Showing Aiden to them.

“I’m here to make you as comfortable as possible. Is the room set up to your liking?” He thinks over it for a moment before silently nodding. When Moblit appears, Hanji points to him.

“This is Dr. Berner, he’s gonna help me take care of you! Do you think you’ll be able to tell us about yourself?” He’d never been asked this question before but for some reason he feels at ease with these two. He wants to tell them all about his confusion and ask them why he’s so messed up but instead he just sighs and plays with the stuffed bunny he’s brought with him.

“Can you call me, Eren.” He requests finally, he vaguely understands why he’s made this request but he doesn’t completely know the extent. It’s always just clicked with him. Unlike the name he’d been given by his adopted parents.

“Eren? That’s a pretty nickname.” Hanji clucks, patting him on the top of the head. “Is there anything else I can know about you?”

He’s silent again, unsure of what to say.

“That’s okay, we’ll talk more tomorrow. Why don’t you get some sleep?” Hanji stands and leads him back to the bed, and he begins to panic.

“The monsters-” He remarks, shivering slightly.

“Monsters..? Do you mean entities?” They quickly pull a small notepad out and observe the young boy’s movements. And Eren becomes apprehensive.    

“Y-yes, Dr. Zoe. My parents told me I was too old for delusions but…I’ve been seeing monsters. Mikasa sees them too.” In all honesty, he isn’t sure that Mikasa even sees them or who Mikasa is.

“Fascinating. Who is Mikasa?”

“I don’t know.” Shrugging his shoulders, he crawls into the bed. “Leave the lights on. Please?”

“Alright, Ell- Eren.” They correct quickly as they continue writing on the note pad. “Moblit will be right outside that door if you need anything just yell for him. He’ll be watching you all night okay? Don’t be scared, you’re tougher than you know kiddo.” They smile, they mean this. Most kids have delusions of monsters, Eren battles them. With a quick wave, they leave the room and meet up with their partner.

“Just keep an eye on her, I want to make sure nothing happens through the night.”

“Got it.” He nods tentatively as he continues working on his notes. They’d been studying entities for years and Eren had been their best lead on understanding the spirit world better. “Do you think Mikasa is the entity that’s attached to her?” He’s studying drawings that Eren has done of himself with a cord attached that somewhat resembles an umbilical cord.

“That would be my best guess but we can’t be sure just yet. Let me know if you see anything strange happen, I’m gonna be in the next room.”

“Sure thing boss.” He winks at them before turning back to the monitors, he’s fully aware that he’s going to have a lot of long nights after this. He’s always had a bad habit of getting attached to the patients and Eren is no exception. He already feels a bond with him


End file.
